I'll Be Home For Christmas
by WendyCR72
Summary: Bobby had left New York City - and Alex - behind, to start a new life in Maine, away from the NYPD. But what happens when he realizes his error in judgment? Good thing 'tis the season for a happy ending...


_Okay. I had meant to write just a short story! Honest! But this came instead. I generally hate what Warren Leight did in terms of undoing CI's ending when Alex Eames made an appearance or two on SVU. And I usually ignore it. But this was an opportunity to use it to Bobby and Alex's advantage. And take the bad taste out of my mouth in the process. This may be somewhat sappy and out of character, but that's what makes a good Christmas story! So read and enjoy. And review. Just be kind. Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!_

It started with a simple Christmas card.

Not the type with the rote sayings inside. But a silvery snowy scene on the front with a cabin with a candle in the window and a brightly-lit Christmas tree on the outside. But it wasn't the art that caught Alex's attention. For inside the blank card was the ever-familiar writing she had grown accustomed to for eleven years. The writing of someone she still desperately missed, even as she tried to go on and live her life.

 _Missing you a lot. Quiet here in Maine. All the better to write. I hope you're well and happy and have a Merry Christmas and New Year to come. Love, Bobby_

So few words, but then Bobby was a master of brevity, even if books and words were his passion. Being a librarian's son, it had to be in his blood. But she never thought that would lead to him quitting the NYPD, leaving her behind…again.

Alex was hopeful when Bobby had begun his mandated therapy, but by its end, she had resented it. Of course she wanted Bobby to heal, to come out from under all the shit that had been thrown at him. But…

 _But you still wanted him in your life._

She remembered the day that Bobby had dropped his bombshell. Looking back, Alex figured she should have known something was up when Bobby invited her out to dinner, something he rarely did. Well, _never_ outside of a work capacity. They had a great dinner of lasagna, breadsticks, and wine. The conversation had been going along smoothly, but as the meal had wound down, Alex had noticed strain creeping into Bobby's expression. His laugh more forced.

She decided to dive in head on. Bullshit just wasn't her thing. "What's on your mind, Bobby?"

Her question seemed to surprise him and for a moment, Alex thought maybe she was seeing something that was not there and was just being a drama queen. But then Bobby looked away for a moment, unable to meet her gaze. When he finally did, his eyes were wary. "I…Eames…Alex…"

"That's my name, both of them," Alex had joked, even as her stomach was lurching. "Spit it out, Goren."

And with that, Bobby had closed his eyes for a second, steeled himself, looked her in the eye, and said, "I talked with Joe Hannah today, Alex. I'm…I'm leaving the NYPD."

Even as she knew something was up, she had never expected this. Not after all it took to come back to begin with. For lack of a better thing to do, to force herself not to cry like a baby, Alex took a gulp of her wine to dislodge the lump forming in her throat. "Did something happen, Bobby?" She was proud of her voice still being steady, even as she wanted to shout. "I thought we were doing well together…again…" her voice faltered, her courage cracking under the strain.

Bobby shook his head. "No, Eames. Nothing happened. It's not you…"

Welcome anger replaced the despair and the shock. "Goren, if you're going to say, 'It's not you, it's me!', I will pound you…" To her disgust, Alex realized her eyes were burning and quickly swiped at them. Damn it, she would _not cry_. "You know what? I need air. Thanks for the meal." Alex threw down her napkin, got up, and managed to get out the front door without totally embarrassing herself…only to feel a hand on her arm. "Eames…"

Alex turned on him then. "Don't 'Eames' me, Bobby!" She jerked her arm free. "All the bullshit we went through to get our jobs back, our _partnership_ back, and you're just going to disappear?"

She remembered the year before their return. She wasn't entirely being fair. In that…enforced vacation time, as Alex had come to think of it, she and Bobby had maintained contact. He had been pissed at her for giving up the chance to be captain, but once she had made it clear that it was her choice and she wouldn't change it, he had relented, and they had learned to get to know Alex and Bobby, the flawed people they were, and not defined solely as Goren and Eames, NYPD detectives. He had cooked for her, she had watched movies at his place, and when they had discovered Moran was gone and an old friend of Bobby's was taking over as captain of Major Case, everything seemed to come together. They were back in their groove, or so Alex thought.

 _Apparently not._

Bobby's eyes were filled with pain. "Eames, _please_ listen to me." He chanced grabbing Eames' cold hands. And while she jerked a bit, they didn't break contact. "I know it's as lame as it sounds, but it really isn't you. And it is about me." His grip tightened as Alex fidgeted. "Therapy…you know I tried like hell to avoid it. But it did help me realize something."

Alex couldn't speak. Her eyes asked what she couldn't as her throat had lost the ability to open and form a coherent sentence.

Bobby stepped a bit closer. "Eames…Alex. I don't know anything beyond this job. I have to get out and see if it's not too late to actually _live_." Bobby gave a humorless laugh as Dr. Gyson's words about putting the job before the man rang in his ears. "For years, I breathed the job. I think it was the thing that kept me going. Most especially, _you_ became a lifeline, and all I did was drag you down…"

"That's _not true_ ," Alex managed to croak out. "My career, my choice. Remember?"

Bobby nodded, even as it looked as if he still wanted to argue the point. "I know. You're your own woman. The best woman I've ever known. Or ever will know," Bobby smiled as one of his hands dropped Eames' hand and he smoothed the bangs from her eyes. "And I have no idea how I can ever repay you for that. Maybe I can't. But…" Bobby wiped a tear of his own away. "…all of these years, all of the time put in, and I don't have anything else, Alex. Not a fucking thing beyond a place to go home and sleep. And I need to…" he paused. "It's so fucking ridiculous, but I need to 'find myself'.

She sounded needy. She knew she did and hated herself for it, but it had to be asked. "Can't you do it here?" _With me?_ But those two words didn't pass her lips.

His sad face was her response. Still, his words confirmed her fears. "I need to figure out what the hell I want. What I need. I'm 50 years old, Alex." That thought chilled him. "Time flies, huh?" He tried to give Eames a smile but it was a mere shadow. "I've never been the most social person, but I need to find out what else I'm good at. Beyond dead bodies and police work."

Soon Alex felt his breath on her face. "Please," Bobby almost begged. "Please understand. I…I have to get away from everything and think. I need to get my shit together and I need to figure it out on my own and not have you put your own life on hold anymore to rescue me." Alex opened her mouth to rebut, but a single finger on her lips silenced the would-be denial. "And we both know that's true."

Bobby removed his finger, but Alex still felt the tingle on her lips. She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream like a toddler. She wanted to chain Bobby to her and not let him go. But Alex knew it was selfish and he was right. The thought hurt. _God, did it ever hurt!_ But in the end, she respected Bobby's choice.

So it was with a bear hug and many tears that Alex made the most difficult decision and let Bobby walk away from her, but not before an extraction of a promise from him to not sever contact with her. To let her know he was okay every now and then.

And then he was gone. Off to Maine, she would discover in one of the letters he had sent. And that was how their communications, such as they were, continued. No e-mails, no phone calls. Just old-fashioned pen and paper. And she had saved every one of them. They were tangible reminders of Bobby, something to actually look at and touch. It had now been close to a year and a half since she had last seen Bobby Goren. She wondered if she ever would again.

So here she was, staring down at that Christmas card, wishing it was the man that had written the greeting instead. With a sigh, she put it down and watched the lights twinkling on her tree. She had stayed with the NYPD and had even managed once more to gain a promotion. It wasn't captain, but that had lost its luster long ago. She was a lieutenant now and had even stepped in to help out SVU, even managing to channel Bobby's interrogation methods and getting the suspect to crack, something she was proud of. But it just reminded her of their old life, and it was bittersweet.

Bobby's words about her putting her life on hold stung. And when he left, she really did try. She didn't curl up and die. She even dated. The last man being a firefighter. However, as nice as he was, it didn't last. And even as it took forever to pinpoint a cause, an inescapable truth that had always lain on the fringes had finally pushed itself into her consciousness, and she came to the realization that she loved Robert Goren. Maybe she would have to live without him, but there was still a sort of freedom in acknowledging what she tried to compartmentalize – or even tried to lie to herself about. But knowing and having no outlet for it seemed fruitless.

Getting up, she took the card and hung it with the rest. Then she put on a Christmas CD if just to distract herself. The music and words were soothing and happy but did little to ease her restlessness. Alex soon found herself once more entranced by the shining blaze of color that marked her tree. She reached out to adjust an ornament here, a loose piece of garland there.

A bit later, even though she really wasn't hungry, Alex knew she had to eat, so she halfheartedly set about calling the nearest pizza joint to deliver a small sausage pizza. The walk down memory lane had sapped her energy and she was in no mood to actually cook. And cooking for one sucked. Cooking for one during the holidays was even worse. So she would revel in the calories of the pizza and double her run time to burn the excess later. Even if there was no one to impress, at least she would look good.

The ringing of her phone broke into her thoughts. Alex turned the stereo off as she answered. She just wasn't in a jolly frame of mind. It was her sister, Liz.

"Lexie! Just wanted to see if you're alive." Liz joked.

Despite herself, Alex smiled. "Still breathing. I even ordered a pizza. No cooking for me tonight."

"Pizza? I hate you!" Liz sighed. "Dieting blows."

"Who the hell diets for the holidays, Liz? That's what New Year resolutions are for! Lose weight, blah, blah!" Alex rearranged some throw pillows on her couch as she put the phone in the crook of her shoulder. "Live a little."

"Oh, I'm living," Liz sighed. "Dave had his company Christmas party that I went to last Saturday. I am now doing my best impression of the Good Year Blimp."

"Please," Alex scoffed. "You're a rail." She sighed. "At least you have Dave and Nate. They love you no matter what you look like. Consider yourself lucky!"

Liz, ever intuitive, heard the trace of melancholy in her sister's voice. "I do. But forget me. Lexie, what's the matter?"

"Not a thing," Alex said quickly. A bit too quickly to Liz's ears.

"Bullshit. Let's try again. This time, the truth." Liz stated, concerned. "Something happened."

Alex flopped on her couch. "Are you sure you're not a cop, too? Because you certainly love to interrogate, sis. You'd be a natural." Alex hedged.

"I'll leave the blood and guts to the rest of the family, thanks. And don't think you're distracting me, Lex. I'm the mother of an eight year old. I know the tricks."

Alex blew at her bangs. Her sister could be a pit bull. But maybe if she just told her about the card, Liz would understand. And, hopefully, back off. Alex adored her baby sister. Which was why she had lent her womb for nine months and had gotten the most amazing nephew out of it. But Liz was a fixer. Or tried to be. And there was no fixing this and Alex just needed to regroup at her own pace. To sew up the hole that appeared whenever a letter would arrive from Maine…

Finally, Alex gave in. "It's just…I…I got a Christmas card today. From Bobby."

"Ah, Bobby." Liz responded. "That explains it. What did it say?"

As Alex repeated the brief few words, she threw her head back and stared at the ceiling. It was dark now, and the Christmas lights were the only source of light in her house. The blackness wrapped around her, isolating, like a warm thick blanket. "I guess a card is better than nothing at all," Alex told her sister. "I just wish…"

Liz was silent for a beat, hearing what went unsaid, then chimed in, "'Tis the season of miracles, Lex. Been a while. He's missing you, too, according from what you told me from his card. You two were always two halves of a whole. Always did wonder just why you two never jumped each other and had little Goren babies… Maybe Santa will bring him back to you."

Alex tried to push the image of "Goren babies" out of her head. It hurt a bit too much and she didn't need to start crying for the impossible. Instead, she clung to her sarcasm. "Santa, right. And maybe Victoria's Secret will call me to be their next supermodel." Alex sighed.

Liz scoffed. "You're hotter than those stick figures. Don't forget it." After a beat, Liz's voice softened. "I'm just saying, Lex, don't give up hope. You two were always complicated. Maybe that's part of the allure. Not to mention seeing crap on that damned job that the average person would lose their shit over. That bonds you, I know. But if there's one thing I know after all these years, it's that you two are connected. And I don't think even living out in the boonies of Maine will stop that."

"If we're so connected, then why did he leave in the first place?" Alex whispered.

"Oh, Lexie…" Liz murmured. "From all I've gathered from you and the little he'd ever share with the family, Bobby's life was a shit sandwich, except for you. But they're gone, honey. And God help me, it's probably the best thing that could have happened to him." Alex gave a little gasp at the bald honesty, but she couldn't refute it, even if she wanted to. And she didn't. "But he'd been caged for so long under the weight of his mom, his brother…maybe he needed to spread his wings and be free for a while. He's no good to anyone with their ghosts chasing him down."

Alex heard commotion in the background. "Oh, God. Dave and Nathan are having a food fight with the flour. I'll kill them." But a laugh belied the words. "Just remember this, sis: If you love something, set 'em free. If they return, they were always yours."

Alex snorted. "And if he doesn't?"

"Fuck it and get a dog!" Liz laughed. She then gasped, realizing her faux pas. "Nathan, you didn't hear Mom say any bad words!"

Liz added, "But Bobby will come back. I just know it. Now I gotta go before our house is engulfed in a flour blizzard. Love ya!" From the background, Alex heard Nathan and Dave holler, "Love you!" and immediately felt a bit better. The sisters then said a final goodbye.

A soft knock invaded Alex's thoughts and she remembered the pizza. _Perfect timing!_ she told herself. "Coming!" Alex hollered, scrambling for the money. She looked through the peephole and could indeed make out a pizza box so she knew she wasn't about to be attacked in her own place. "How much do I owe you?"

However, the pizza was quickly forgotten as Alex found herself staring into familiar brown eyes, eyes filled with wariness, apprehensiveness, and…joy.

"I think I'm the one who should be asking you that," Bobby smiled shyly. They stood in the doorway, transfixed. The spell was broken as Bobby asked, "Can I come in?"

Alex practically dragged Bobby into her place as she tugged at his free hand. Without a word, she grabbed the pizza, threw it on a table near the door, and then, deciding to not think about it, hugged Bobby with all of her might. If she was hurting him, Bobby gave no indication as he held Alex to him just as tightly. Alex could barely breathe…and it felt wonderful.

Finally, the need for air outweighed the desired contact and Alex and Bobby drew apart a bit. But neither seemed in a hurry to let go of each other's hand. Realizing they were in the dark, save for the Christmas tree, Alex apologized. "Let me just…turn on a lamp."

Bobby stopped her. "No, this is…nice. Pretty tree." He nodded toward the far corner of the room. "I didn't see any point in doing anything, so…I can just enjoy yours."

Nodding, Alex pulled Bobby toward her couch. Once they were settled, they just stared at each other for what could have been hours or seconds. Neither seemed inclined to move. Finally, Alex asked, "When did you get in?"

"About two hours ago, but I had a stop to make before I came here," Bobby explained. "When I arrived, I intercepted the pizza guy…"

Alex belatedly remembered the money she had on the table near the cooling pizza. "I didn't pay…"

"But I did," Bobby smiled. "Consider it a Christmas present."

Alex smiled, "Then I guess it's only fair I share it with you." She noticed he had lost weight, although his hair looked as if it had had a recent cut. He looked terrific. No doubt the clean living was doing him good. Before she could obsess further about Bobby's appearance, Alex decided she needed to switch gears. She made a move to stand. "We should eat before it gets cold."

Bobby stopped her. "I'll get it." In quick strides, he grabbed the pizza and the money, holding the latter out to Alex.

"No, Bobby, you should take it…" But Bobby shook his head. "I told you, Eames, this is a gift." Alex smiled, even as she reluctantly took the proffered money.

"What?" Bobby asked, curious, as he plunked the pizza on the coffee table nearest the couch. Without thought of napkins or plates, they dug in straight from the box, risking a mess.

Alex swallowed a bite before she responded, "Just…been a while since I've been called 'Eames'. I guess I missed it. And…you." Alex's voice lowered. "I really have missed you, Bobby."

Bobby licked a speck of sauce from his thumb and glanced at Alex. "I really missed you, too, Eames. Alex. It's great to be back." Bobby confessed.

They grew quiet then for a while, happy to just be near each other, as they ate their pizza. Once they were done eating, curiosity made Alex ask, "So…how's your book coming?" She hadn't really been that surprised when Bobby had told her he was writing a book. As verbose as he was, not to mention his love affair with all things literary, it was a natural conclusion. "Am I sitting next to the next John Grisham?"

Bobby gave a slight grin and shook his head. "More like Dr. Seuss." And that made Alex laugh, which seemed to please him. "It's…I guess I wrote to purge myself more than to make money. Just something I needed to do."

Alex nodded. She was afraid to ask the next question, but she had never shied away before. "Have you…met anyone special?" _Please say no, Bobby._ And then she felt guilty.

Without hesitation, Bobby shook his head. "No. Just me and a cabin and solitude." And Alex was again happy and hating herself for it.

She then asked, "How long are you back for?"

Bobby considered the woman before him and seemed to take some time before answering, "I…haven't decided yet. It depends on some things."

Before Alex could ask what those "things" were, Bobby took note of the rest of the decorations, including the line of cards along a wall. His usual restlessness kicking in, Bobby got up for a closer look. His gaze immediately found the card he had sent to her. "You got my card."

"I did. Today, as a matter of fact. I'm sorry I didn't send you one, but work…" Alex gave a shrug.

Bobby turned to glance back at her, smiling wide, as it reached his eyes. "I heard you got a promotion. I knew you could do it. I'm happy for you!" Bobby was glad her career managed to advance without him holding her back. The fact that she rejected the captain position at Major Case still rankled him, but he knew bringing that up was a lost cause.

"Thanks." Alex said. But Bobby's smile dimmed as he realized Eames didn't sound all that proud.

Bobby forgot about the decorations and re-joined Eames on the couch. "What is it?"

Alex waved a hand. "Nothing. It's…" Alex sighed. "I guess, seeing you…I still miss the rush of being a detective. I mean, the pay upgrade is nice. But…it's a lot lonelier than I thought." _And you're not there._

Bobby nodded. He sat back and slowly drew Alex to him until she rested her head on a broad shoulder. No sound was present except their shared breathing. Bobby gently wrapped an arm around Alex before breaking the silence. In a low voice, Bobby confessed, "Before I got here, I saw…"

"Lewis," Alex guessed. Her voice matched Bobby's lazy low tone.

But Bobby shook his head. "Nope, although that reminds me to pay him a visit or he'll kick my ass."

Alex lifted her head then, confused. "Then if you didn't see Lewis…"

"I saw your sister." He shrugged. "Their house looks like Santa's Workshop! I…bought Nathan a present and wanted to drop it off. And a little something for Liz and Dave." Bobby had always liked the Eames family. For all of the shit he gave Alex, that friendship seemed to be reciprocated even when he gave them so little, and he was grateful for the surrogate family that accepted him without hesitation. He didn't understand why, but he wasn't about to question it. Johnny Eames seemed to understand his need to get away and the elder man did his best to console his daughter while Bobby did what needed doing.

Suddenly Liz's confidence in Bobby's inevitable return made sense. Alex looked at Bobby. "I just talked to her before you showed up. She didn't say anything."

Bobby tightened his arm around Alex. "Please…d-don't be mad. I asked her not to. I wanted to surprise you."

"I'm not mad." Alex assured him. "And mission accomplished! Obviously." Alex gave a grin and looked up at Bobby from the perch of his shoulder. "I guess…I'm just confused as to why you needed to visit them before me."

Bobby sighed. He said nothing for a beat, before he explained. "I thought…I thought I had to go away to find out what I needed. And I did. And…it's fucking lonely. When I was buried in paper with my novel, it hit me. I already had it. But I was just too scared. I…didn't want to disrupt your life and…and was too chickenshit to ask if you… Anyway, I took the coward's way out and got some answers out of your sister. Which, by the way, she seemed happy to do. After making me squirm."

Alex heard his words but didn't dare assume anything. Not yet. But one word stuck out from everything else.

"Scared?" she managed to ask.

"Dr. Gyson once asked me in a session if I loved you," Bobby blurted, seemingly from nowhere. "And I told her no."

That little revelation sliced at Alex's heart, a sliver of hope drowned out, and she made to move away from him, but as if he knew that, Bobby tightened his grip. He quickly added. "But there was one theme I latched onto throughout those appointments; everybody lies. That's what I told Gyson more than once. I think I liked trying to piss her off."

Alex's throat went dry as she rasped, "I've _never_ lied to you."

"No," Bobby agreed. "You didn't. And you – and Lewis – were the only two to ever be honest and have my back." Bobby sighed. "But Alex, I have spent my entire life around liars and insanity and…I felt it was better to follow suit and lie to myself and keep you at a distance than surround you with my bullshit. And I got so damned good at it that I almost believed it."

Alex bit her lip, trying to take it all in. "And now?" Against her better judgment, that glimmer of hope refused to die.

Bobby hesitated, wondering if he had the courage to go on. _What the hell, I made it this far._

"And now…I came back…to see if I didn't fuck us up irrevocably." His arm still wrapped around Alex was tingling, falling asleep, but he couldn't let go. Not yet.

Alex felt her heartbeat work double time, threatening to drown out Bobby's words. But she didn't move an inch. "Why would you think you fucked anything up?"

"Eames…Alex, I remember how much I hurt you when I told you I was leaving the job. And I know you forgave me before I left. But, you know, maybe you decided I'm a crazy son of a bitch and were well rid of me." Bobby tried to joke, but the words came out all too serious.

"Bobby," Alex said firmly, lifting her head, grasping his chin to make him meet her eyes. "Would I accept your letters and cards if I was glad to be rid of you?"

He blinked then, seeing the hole in his logic. "N-No, no, I guess you wouldn't."

Alex gave a quick nod. "Damn right I wouldn't. If I didn't want you here, your ass would have my footprint all over it."

"Let me show you something." Alex got up from her couch and Bobby already missed her warmth. From the warm glow of her tree, he saw her go to a desk and dig something out. Soon, she was standing in front of him. In her hand was a considerable stack of envelopes tied in a red ribbon. She held them out, and he cautiously took them. Then realized it was every letter he had ever sent from his time away. He felt his throat tighten and his eyes felt hot. Yet he had never felt happier and hope danced along his nerve endings.

"You kept my letters."

Alex nodded. Bobby's tears triggered her own. But it was okay, because for once, these were happy tears. "I kept your letters."

Bobby stood then. Taking one step, two. He gently placed the letters on the coffee table before he tangled his fingers with Alex's.

"So…would it be okay if…if I came back for good?" He had an offer from an old friend to do profiling work in the city, but that detail could wait.

Her breath hitched, but Alex managed a coherent response. "Do I figure in your plans, Detective?"

Bobby didn't hide a smile then. He said nothing but pulled Alex close until she felt his breath on her face and she put her hand along his jaw, feeling stubble. Lowering his head, he gently but firmly met her lips with his, as they tasted the remnants of salt from each other's tears.

When the kiss finally broke, Alex stood still, eyes closed, savoring every drop. Finally, opening her eyes and meeting Bobby's shell-shocked look, she quipped, "I'll take that as a yes."

Bobby began to laugh. It started from his core and just spread, his happiness expanding, growing, until it eclipsed the memories of the constant loneliness he had had since he made the biggest mistake of his life and left his best friend behind. As always, laughter was contagious and Alex soon joined in. Bobby grabbed the pillows from the couch and threw them on the rug as they soon dropped to the floor, Alex crashing on to Bobby's chest, bathed in the light of her Christmas tree.

When they could breathe again, Alex groaned. "Liz is going to be impossible to live with now."

Bobby stroked Alex's hair as she drew circles on his chest. "Yeah, but she just wants you to be happy, Eames. All of your family does. And me. Especially me."

"Well, then," Alex smiled. "It's a good thing I'm freaking ecstatic then. About time you got your ass back here, Goren. And here I thought you were so smart."

"I'll make it up to you, Eames," he promised. "Just say the word."

"Word." Alex quipped. As Bobby kissed her jaw, Alex sighed. "Best. Christmas. Ever."

"God bless us, everyone!" Bobby joked, returning to the task at hand.

And, as Liz had promised, it really was the season for miracles.

THE END


End file.
